Terms of Service
by Percy Wells
Summary: A technical parody of modern "terms of service" documents.


Please take a few hours to read our terms of agreement completely and thoroughly. You will be tested afterwards.   
  
1.1 Terms of Service: This Terms of Service Agreement (the "Agreement") is made between Lierre.de, Inc. a.k.a. Supermembership.com of 1212 Zickewelt Strasse Suite P, Berlin, Germany, and you, the member of the Membership™ service (i.e the service operated by Lierre.de including the membership name, the content, search facilities, directory services, personal web space, viewbar, e-mail, newsgroups and other internet services provided by Lierre.de, use of your mouse cursor after dragging it over one of our links, and ownership of the copyright of your screensaver if it should come up during the displaying of our site on your screen, whether or not this window is minimized or inactive). Each feature may be individually and/or collectively referred to as the "Membership™ service".   
  
1.2 Agreeing to Terms: By clicking on the "AGREE BUTTON", you are indicating your acceptance of any and every law put forth by Lierre.de upon our sites, related sites, and humanity in general. In agreeing to comply with our rules and regulations while using our services, or enjoying any benefits that may have directly or indirectly arisen from your use of our these services, whether or not use at time of the promoting cause of this enjoyable or beneficial occurrence was intentional.   
  
Lierre.de reserves the right to revoke any happiness experienced through misuse, abuse, or other improper use of our services, including any functions of our facilities that the user may have come across on his own, of which we, the webmasters, are not aware. Such an offense is punishable by withdrawal of rights and priveledges on our sites, banning of identity, deletion of password and other account infos, exclusion from upcoming offers, stuffy head, runny nose, cough, aches, and death; and, in the event of a nuclear war, rejection from nuclear fall out shelters sponsored by our site, as well as automatic disqualification from competitive programs designed to decide those who will inhabit our first colonies on the moon, Mars, and surrounding bodies, and which of humankind will be selected as fit for reproducing in the genepool.   
  
1.3 Soul possession: By clicking on the Agree Button, you also surrender a portion of your soul (exact percentages statistics by height, weight, and religion, may be found at http://souls.possession.specialmembership.com/calculation.html/ ) Due to this, you are subject to laws and morals as declared/decided and governed by our site. Failure to obey will result in grave consequences, mortal and eternal.   
  
1.4 Becoming a Member: Membership is FREE. The fee is DM 40 (19.95 US$/€100,250.00) per month. To become a member, you must first complete the general account info form. Required fields (Last Name, First Name, Middle Name (if any), Confirmation Name (if any), Names of all siblings, spouses, and pets, mother's maiden name, birthday, hyper-link location of scanned copy or original birthcertificate, favourite colour, home address, social security number, three or more credit card numbers, home and work phone numbers, emergency contact, employer's full name, home address, and private phone numbers, occupation, field, position, years experience, education, voted popularity in the eighth grade, number of friends in highschool, income, and medical records access information) are marked with an asterisk [*]. Optional fields, are not marked. You will notice that all fields are marked. Please complete all fields. Failure to complete all fields will result in an incomplete registration form, which is inadequate for adding of a new member to the member directory, and you will thus be excluded until you comply and fill in all fields. Providing false information may result in your missing special offers in the future, inability to retrieve password if lost or stolen, and death.   
  
2.1 Dispute Policy: You agree to be bound by the Special Membership Member Name Dispute Policy ("Dispute Policy"), which is hereby incorporated and made a part of this Agreement by reference. The Dispute Policy can be found at http://www.specialmembership.com/dispute.htm. Certain disputes, as specified in the Dispute Policy, are subject to that Policy. You agree that you will be subject to the provisions specified in the Dispute Policy in effect at the time your membership name registration is disputed by a third party, in the event such dispute arises. You also agree that in the event a membership name dispute arises with any third party, you will indemnify and hold Specialmembership.com harmless pursuant to the terms and conditions contained in the Dispute Policy.   
  
2.2 Disputing: In the case that you, as the third party, are wanting to bring up a dispute involving another member of Lierre.de please send a brief explanation of your dispute customerservice@supermembership-inc.com with the subject "Junk Mail." Your e-mail will be replied to immediately by a mail bot with a generalized message probably giving you links to general answers to everything except that which you asked. You will receive a personal response within 168 hours. If you do not receive a personalized response within 168 hours of your e-mail, wait longer. If, after 336 hours, you have still not received a response, your question was likely less than intellectually posed, and we did not have the time, nor the desire, to decipher it. Our time is valuable, as several members apply to us every day and each and every one of those applications needs to be automatically recorded by our server. Furthermore, if you are sending us a specific question by e-mail, regarding our methods, services, restrictions and regulations, general laws of man scheduled to be released next summer and enforced universally, or a dispute which we do not feel like worrying about, we do not like you.   
  
Our members are important to us. Please notify us with any violations to your privacy or personal safety or feeling good. All members will agree to disclose us and our services and practices as harmless when such questions should arise. We are only providing the means, methods, and services. We are liable for nothing. We do ask, however, that you credit us as due with any positive connections to our site and services.   
  
3.1 Age: To become a member of our site, you must enter an age of 18 years or older in the text line provided for age on the registration form. If you have entered an age under 18, please add appropriate amount to make this number 18 or greater. To determine the amount that must be added to your age to make it 18, first subtract your age from 18. For help on how to determine this figure, then add it to your age, you can use the numeric calculations program, found at http://programs.Lierre.de/agecalc.html , specifically designed for this purpose, and only working with adding and subtracting of numbers 0 through 18.   
  
3.2 Summary: Becoming a member of Lierre.de will make your life better and more complete. By patronizing us, you benefit humankind as a whole. In the case that you do not follow our regulations and Terms of Agreement, and your membership is IRREVERSABLY revoked, you will suffer greatly. You will no longer be able to receive notices of our special deals and member offers in the future. By not complying to our rules, you risk deletion of account and profile from all memory and member directories, ability to register at other sites in the future who examine past cookies and thus become aware of your rebellious and dangerous tendencies when recklessly holding membership at our sites, your health and over-all well-being, your life, and your first born. You will also hold sole responsibility for endangerment of the fate of the world, should you be the only offender. Should you not be the sole offender, this guilt will be evenly divided among you.   
  
3.3 Thank you: We'd like to thank you for taking the time to read our Terms of Agreement, even though a thank you is not at all in order, since you were supposed to have read this as a requirement of becoming a member, and if you haven't, you'd better not click that Agree Button. God is watching you. Your membership is important to us, and we hope that you are pleased with our services. Sincerely, webmaster@Lierre.de   
  



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